


Security Blanket

by cillasstuff



Series: Security blanket [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-17
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-12-05 15:05:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/724655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cillasstuff/pseuds/cillasstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen tries to help Jared get past the miscarriage of their child.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Security Blanket

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** I was supposed to be working on my spnj2_bigbang and saw this [prompt](http://mpregwinchester.livejournal.com/405542.html?thread=1186854#t1186854) at and it kind of got in my head until I wrote this. has already posted a wonderful fill for this that can be found [here](http://obsidianromance.livejournal.com/31430.html). I would also like to thank for her skills as a beta, and any mistakes found are my own.
> 
> This is also a fill for homebrewbingo space for cildren.

The house was dark when Jensen entered, but Jared’s car in the driveway told Jensen that his lover was home. Knowing immediately where he would find him, Jensen quickly climbed the stairs and made his way to the nursery praying that this time he was wrong. He wasn’t though, because there on the floor near the crib was Jared, curled up into a ball hugging a large stuffed sheep his face lit up by the light of a cartoon night light sheep fast asleep.

Jared’s lack of response at Jensen’s attempt to wake him told the older man that Jared again had help getting to sleep in the form of Ambien and maybe something liquid, the same as the day before and almost every day since he miscarried six months ago. Even though Jared had lost a lot of weight since the miscarriage, he was still a large man and it was a struggle, but Jensen somehow managed to get Jared from the floor of the nursery to their bedroom next door.

After Jared was tucked into their bed, Jensen went downstairs to prepare dinner for himself, but there was no food, so he called to have a pizza delivered and if Jared woke, he could have some later. Once the food arrived, Jensen grabbed a beer, sat down in front of the television, and turned it on just to have another voice in the house because he and Jared hadn’t really talked in months. It was as though he was living with a ghost.

Their lives were now divided into two time periods, before the miscarriage and after. Jared before the miscarriage was loud, gregarious and fun to be around. Their home was always filled with friends, family, and laughter, but now it was just the two of them because everyone was uncomfortable around Jared. Well this new, moody version of Jared.

Just as he was about to bite down on a nice greasy slice of pizza, he saw it. The framed black and white sonogram of their child. Jared had framed it and presented it to him as his way of breaking the joyous news of his pregnancy. Jensen had called him Peanut, but Jared had corrected him and said no he was their child so he was an Acorn and would grow into an oak, tall and strong. Today Jensen would add unbendable. Seeing this sonogram and the memories it brought with it, suddenly Jensen couldn’t take it anymore. He’d had enough, he had lost his son; he wasn’t going to lose his partner too.

Suddenly the food had lost its taste and sat in his stomach like a piece of lead, so he placed the half-eaten slice back into the box and headed out to the garage and gathered up the empty plastic bins that Jared always had on hand and made his way back upstairs to the nursery.

At first, he just looked and thought about what could have been, they would have been new parents now complaining about the lack of sleep and sex, but enjoying every moment with their child. This baby wasn’t meant to be and he had to pull Jared from this stupor. Jared lost the baby and was hurting more than anything, Jensen wanted to take the pain away so the nursery had to go. 

Jensen figured that if Jared couldn’t come in this room and wallow in his misery all day, every day, then that would be a start, so slowly, and methodically Jensen began to pack up the room. He was halfway through the first large bin when the sheep was jerked from his hand and he was knocked back on his ass.

“Jensen, what the hell are you doing?” Jared yelled as he ran up to Jensen and pulled the stuffed lamb from his hands and pushed him down so that the sheep didn’t have a chance to hit the bin. 

“I’m packing up this room Jared so you won’t torture yourself anymore,” Jensen explained from his position on the floor. He stood up and reached to take the stuffed toy from Jared’s hands, “baby it’s killing me to see what this is doing to you.”

Jared ignored him and placed the stuffed animal out of Jensen’s reach and went to the bin and began to remove the things that Jensen had already packed. When Jensen walked up behind him and touched his arm, Jared turned and connected his fist with Jensen’s face, knocking him down again. When Jensen got up to try to touch Jared again, he was hit again but much harder.

Once Jensen was back on the floor, like a man possessed, Jared frantically pulled the things from the bins that Jensen had packed, and placed them back from where they had been removed.

“Jared stop,” Jensen yelled. He stood up again, but did not make the mistake of touching Jared again. “I know you’re upset, but putting these things away will help you not hurt so much.”

Jared ignored him with tears streaming down his face, continued to unpack the baby items as though something was chasing him. As soon as Jared took something from the bin, Jensen put it back in until they were in a vicious cycle and Jensen being the steadier of the two was repacking faster than Jared could unpack.

When Jensen placed the stuffed sheep back into the bin it was as though Jared lost it, he turned to Jensen and began to strike out at his lover and hit him anywhere he could land a blow. As he pummeled Jensen’s chest he sobbed, “Of course I’m upset, but do you know how much it hurts that you’re not? But then why would you be upset when you didn’t want him in the first place. I bet you were jumping for joy when the doctor said no more babies.”

No more babies. Suddenly everything made sense, why Jared took the loss harder than Jensen had expected him too. Binding Jared flailing arms, Jensen drew the man into his arms in an attempt to calm him.

“Jare, the doctor never said that you couldn’t have more babies, just no babies for at least a year. He wants you to give your body time to recover.” Jensen softly explained.

“Yeah, Jen sure,” Jared snarked, “no babies for a year works for you really well huh? You think I’m tainted and that’s why you haven’t touched me since… since…” Jared couldn’t finish the sentence, buried his head into Jensen’s neck, and cried even harder.

“I haven’t touched you because I love you and I knew you were trying to trick me into getting you pregnant. Jared there was no way I was going to risk your health like that.” Jensen said into Jared’s ear. “I want a child with you Jared, how could I not. A child would be tangible proof of our love, so we’ll have another one when you’re ready, both mentally and physically.”

“But I wanted this one, Jensen,” he wailed. “I don’t understand what happened, I took care of myself, ate right and did everything the damned doctor said and I still lost him. I feel so empty. Why didn’t my baby want me?”

Jensen just held Jared as he cried, something the younger man didn’t let him do when he first miscarried; he just tried to get pregnant right away, and when that didn’t happen, he began to withdraw. Jared had been five months pregnant when Jensen came home from work and found him unconscious in a pool of blood. He didn’t want to say something trivial like this baby wasn’t meant to be, because he didn’t understand it either, but he wanted Jared to be able to live with the loss.

“Jared I can’t even begin to understand what’s it like for you to have the life that was growing inside you suddenly gone, but what I can tell you is how I felt.” Jensen explained. “I remember feeling angry that you had been deprived of holding your, our child and I was mad at God for taking him away from you. My heart hurts because you’re hurt sweetheart.”

“I must have done something wrong though Jen, I had to.” He rationed.

“How can you blame yourself for this when the doctors can’t explain what happened? Detached placenta was the explanation for the loss of their son and if Jensen didn’t get help the loss of his partner as well. 

Jensen eased them down onto the floor and the pair of them sat there and Jensen held Jared while he cried six month’s worth of pent up tears, and when he finally stilled, he thought that Jared was asleep until he said, “Your mother gave me information about a group that I can go sit in with. It’s for people just like me who’ve lost their babies. I could talk or just listen. Maybe next week I could go?”

“Whenever you’re ready, Jared.”

“”M tired,” Jared, yawned and this time Jensen helped a willing Jared back to bed, and held him until he was in a deep sleep.

Once Jensen was sure that Jared was sleeping, he went back to the nursery, said a final goodbye to their child, packed everything away, and put it in the attic so that Jared wouldn’t have to see it. All except that sheep, he placed it in Jared arms because he couldn’t take everything away. 

 

Jensen took a shower and came back and looked at Jared sleeping a little more restful than he had in six months. Jared wasn’t anywhere near where he needed to be, but a good night’s sleep was a start.


End file.
